You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
