I just pynch a tree in the face
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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