Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
