The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
