I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
