If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
