If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
only you would photoshop your dick
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I think a kid would responsible me up
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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