my phone needs a breathalizer
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
