You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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