Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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