1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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