i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I can text with my tongue
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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