I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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