Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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