How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
