If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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