Sry I called you an 8
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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