I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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