hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
