Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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