Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
