you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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