My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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