May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
