What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
