Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
