Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
