He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
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I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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