you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
