I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
