I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
