first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
