I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I have tasted many bathrooms
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
