Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
