she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
