I didn't shave. On purpose
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
