I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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