Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
