idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
