Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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