"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
