my phone needs a breathalizer
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
