bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
