I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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