sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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