Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Randomize
