I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I have aggressive nipples.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
