he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Randomize
