everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
