12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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