Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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