Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
