i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We talked him into tasing himself.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
