Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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