The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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