Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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