Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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