This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
