they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman