Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.