Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
