i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
